It wasn't her wisdom, nor was it
her advice that attracted people… she rarely offered either one. It was
Shirley’s “in the moment”, concentrated listening that encouraged an outpouring
from whomever she was engaged with. When we are truly listened to, it encourages
us… allows us, to unfold and expand. Simply put… it makes us feel good and naturally
comfortable.
What were some of the Secrets of
my Mom’s ability as a master listener? First, and maybe most importantly, the secret
is simply “silence”. Sincere listening
requires us to quiet the mind, be peaceful, and totally in the moment without
any predetermined attitude, and without judgment. Our focus is entirely on the
other person, with no distractions; easy but direct eye contact, and a heightened
awareness of body language. Communication experts estimate that as much as 80%
of a speaker’s communication is non-verbal, and that body language… notably the
eyes, facial expression, breathing, and posture, can speak volumes. This physical
state of the speaker is as important, if not more so, than the spoken word.
Sometimes, even with no words at all, feeling can be conveyed with a single
glance. It is this instinctive interpretation of emotion and attitude that can
be quite different than the words we hear. The more we develop a better
awareness of non-verbal communication, the better listeners we become.
I often say that “we should listen
carefully for what people are not saying”. Practicing this discipline adds
an awareness and skill to the active listening process. This practice helps us
understand how people really feel. Words alone, especially emotional words,
rarely reflect the true meaning of the spoken word.
Awareness of body language is
instrumental to listening deeply, and while providing enormous insight, there
is much more to becoming a master listener. In order to correctly internalize
true meaning and avoid misperceptions, a great listener is silent 80% of the
time and asks clarifying questions about 20% of the time. Good questions bring the topic into sharper
focus and prompt the speaker to clarify their thoughts while verifying the
listener’s perceptions. It summarizes by pulling ideas, facts and feelings
together, confirming one truly understands what is being said or communicated.
My dear Mom, Shirley, was really
good at this role of listening. She would seamlessly act as a mirror reflecting
back to the speaker what she thought she heard… asking simple questions,
repeating the speaker’s own words, nodding her head, leaning in and connecting
with deep empathy. It was magic. It was an act of love. Conscious, focused,
empathetic listening is a powerful “Secret of Life”.
“It is much more important to be
interested than to be interesting.”
– Jane Fonda